Awoken by the siren like alarm, I pulled my overly warm covers off and climbed out of bed. Slouching my way over to my dressing table, I thought of what day it was. Today was the day I would be moving out of my parents’ house and travelling to Sheffield. But that wasn’t the only thing special about today. 5 years ago Noah, my soulmate, and I were separated. Never to be seen again. Apparently it was for the best…
I still think about him to this day and every day. Reading over the letter he wrote to me, my eyes start to haze with the water forming in them. While thinking of the time we spent together, a stray tear rolled down tired face. Once the letter was folded and placed onto my clothes, I walked to the window. Looking at the sun I whispered “I love you” whilst looking at the star. It glowed stronger for a second and then went back to its normal self. That’s how I knew that he, my Noah, did the same.
Skipping down the stairs I saw my mum crying into my dad’s shoulder. I knew why. She didn’t want me to go. She didn’t want me to be alone in the world. Acknowledging my appearance she wiped her face leaving it tearless but still shiny in the light. Feeling guilty I approached her and hugged her tightly and mumbled “It’s okay mum. I can look after myself you know!”
“I know honey but it’s just that I’m going to miss you so much when you’re gone!” She sobbed and another tear escaped from her eye.
“Dad please tell her I’m going to be alright and anyway mum I need a new start after everything that happened here”
“She’s right you know” my dad agreed “a fresh new start will do her good. Anyway she’s old enough to look herself. She’s a responsible one.”
“I know I know! I don’t know why I’m getting in such a mess!” My mum said.
“Thank you, now if you excuse me I need to pack my final bits.” And with that, I walked back upstairs thinking about the new opportunities Sheffield will have for me.
AfterTheWritingFinishes 
Lots of adjectives. Try describing with nouns and verbs instead of adjectives. Your concept, which is very nice, will then captivate ypur reader’s attention.
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Thank you so much for the feedback, like I said before I am not the best at English so your comment is really helpful 🙂
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From one writer to another, I won’t say that I really felt hooked, but then again this was very short, so I might need to read more to tell for sure. From a story telling point I felt it was okay, but nothing really stood out to me. I think that you would benefit from adding in more imagery and descriptions on what things look like. Address the senses: sight, smell, touch, taste, and sound. That would instantly bring a little life into this, also I think we need to know a little more about the narrator, who is she, what’s happening, that sort of thing. Otherwise, keep writing and do your best!
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Okay then thanks for your advise. If you didn’t know already I’m not great at English and this is the first time I’m writing something like this so your feedback is appreciated so much and I will try and add your feedback on for next time :))
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I saw that you mentioned that and that’s totally fine, you’ll get better with time. Just keep writing and eventually it’ll all be natural =)
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